I've been neglecting this blog like I anticipated I would. Not that many people read, but this is a good emotional release for me and I'm feeling like purge is necessary.
I mentioned in an earlier entry that I have an innate, naive sense of trust for people. No matter what betrayal or disappointment I get thrown at me, it doesn't go away. Recently things have come to a head with someone I've gotten stupidly involved with. I simply could not keep my frustration tucked away, below the surface any longer. I'm normally a pretty patient person, but many factors both related and non-related to this said involvement played catalyst in this explosive confrontation.
I've bore witness to a good friend getting mistreated (emotionally and as a person) by the person she was involved with. I've listened to every bit of her sorrow and pain over it. It kills me to hear how much she's been dealt in such a short amount of time and to add insult to injury, she's lost someone in her life who was supposed to be there for her even in the toughest of times. She was sorely neglected by this person. It was hard for me to understand her feelings towards someone who treated her worse than I would treat someone I despised. It wasn't until I really started to think about my own involvement that I started to see I was allowing essentially the same (unsettlingly more subtle) behavior.
I can't deal with flip flopping. It drives me BONKERS. I'm a deeply emotional person so I do have quite the roller coaster of emotion to deal with in even the best of times. But to have my opinion of someone change so drastically from one day/week to another is so exhausting when I don't feel safe enough to express those feelings. I couldn't keep all these feelings and emotions inside anymore; I exploded. Anyone that knows a Taurus knows not to step on their toes. I can only be polite and sweet until you shit on my dignity. And shit on my dignity is what this person did. I had to put my foot down with this behavior that I so adamantly spoke against in my friend's catastrophe.
It all felt really cliche. Like everything I'd said had already been said before by so many other people and everything this fellow came back with was scripted and said many times before. Nothing I said was getting through, no matter what combination of words I used. No matter how I tried to explain it, he was still the victim. This poor fellow, who gets anyone he wants and anything he wants from them, is the victim. Not even just acting it, but shamelessly, flat out claiming it. It really offended me and whatever reserve I had with my words was gone. Even in a confrontation, I really watch what I say, I'm not a physically violent gal, but I will cut you to ribbons with my words. I know words hurt, especially in anger. But to be told essentially that I'M the bad guy in this altercation was absurd and insulting when matched with the concerns I was bringing up. I may have been a little over the top, and it wasn't after that fateful click of the send button that I was able to take a deep breath and realize that I was probably hurting someone for the sake of my own upset and my own ego. I know I've said much worse things to other people in angry times, and I know he's heard much worse than what I had to say so I'm hoping to return to better terms. Better terms will be coming with conditions, however.
I have never in my life felt like I had more value than now. I know exactly what I'm worth and I know what kind of treatment I deserve. My inclination to continue to try and trust this person and their intentions hasn't flattened out at all, despite the feeling of being used in ways no woman should ever be used. Maybe it's my feminine nature to want to heal the hurt this person has suffered in their lifetime, even at my own expense. I can't imagine my efforts not being in vain, but my spirit won't let me quit just yet.
Often the things you say do make it through. Maybe not immediately, but eventually they spark a realization. It takes awhile though because someone has to be open to a different opinion, and usually these people aren't, which is why they behave this way. But they'll have their what I call Disney moment. When you're thinking about something from your childhood and then suddenly it hits you that it completely went over your head.
ReplyDeleteI think it's definitely female nature to want to help others out. While people may say women are catty bitches or whatever, how often do you see random girls comforting that drunken sobbing mess in the bar at a bathroom? It's a sad day that we should be more resistant to helping those in need.