Why there's so much to live up to; expectations are so high. I'm not crying. It's my contacts. There must be something in my eye

I had expected this weekend to be exciting and engaging. I had hoped that I would be having such a good time that I'd forget that I'm a boring and lonely student living in a big city. Things just didn't go my way, much like the rest of the goings on of my life. So instead of living the life I've yearned for the past 4 years living in the big apple of Canada, I'm continuing my self discovery and curiosity about people and the world in bed, with vodka and my faithful companion Mary-Jane. I suppose it COULD be worse.

I really enjoy exploring the different facets and boundaries of reality. It's different for everyone. Someone with schizophrenia can experience auditory and visual "hallucinations". But who's to say that what they're experiencing is any less real than what you or I experience through our five senses? Our neurons are still firing and our brains are still experiencing. The spectrum of light that our eyes and brain can process is so utterly minute that, in my humble opinion, it'd be ignorant to think what we can see is all that there is. Everything in the physical world that we see is nothing but vibrating particles and the particles behave differently when they're being observed/not observed. This fact makes me feel like we have a choice in our reality on a quantum scale that we don't even realize. This is also why I believe we are responsible for everything that happens to us, no matter how out of our control it seems. In some twisted way, I'm choosing to be that boring, lonely student. I'm choosing for things to disappoint me and let me down. It's all so commonplace now that it's what I'm used to and what I probably expect to happen behind my high hopes.

Now the question: how do I change my reality? How do I orchestrate the symphony of particles to take me down the path I dream to be walking?

I guess for now I'll just wing it.