Generally, I'm not confident in the decisions I make. I can think about the problem and weigh the pros and cons until the cows come home, and I still won't know what's the right thing for me to do. I worry a lot about regret, and that's what I try to base my decisions off of; will I regret doing/saying/not doing/not saying this later? But the opposing feeling of regret for me is the feeling of stupid. It's the pendulum of decision making for me. Will I feel more regret if I don't, or will I feel more stupid if I do? Neither scenario is comforting for me. My gut is always to just go for it because then I can say, hey, at least I tried. But that festering feeling of mortifying stupidity when things don't turn out the way I want them to is, a lot of the time, more overwhelming than regret. The feeling of stupidity never goes away. Time creeps on, but whenever I look back to that moment I made a decision, I'm going to want to dig a hole in the ground and stick my head in it. And it doesn't stop at that moment. I'll think to another moment [normally completely unrelated to the first] where I felt stupid, and another, and then another until I'm thinking about every time, situation and person that made me feel small, shitty, and, well.. stupid! Every additional moment where I feel stupid is one more moment to add to the pile for when the flood gates of mortifying moments are opened. I can't be the only one who tortures themselves like this. I normally lean towards going for it, but this time...I just don't think I have the strength to face the almost certain moment of rejection that would follow the bold act of expression.
The pendulum will carry on swaying, forward and back, as I continue to contemplate the impending doom that seems to await me in my future.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
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