None of it seems real. It's like I've just been dreaming this life, and when I finally wake up, I'll be somebody else..

It's just about that time to add the last few sentences to this chapter in my life and move on to the next adventure. I'm just about done my practical exams and I'm moving home in a few days. It's all so bittersweet.

One part of me wants to wreak havoc and chaos in the name of freedom and graduation from one of the hardest things I've done in my life (NO. That is NOT what she said..). But another part of me is dying inside over the goodbyes and farewells, which is ironic. I don't particularly like this city, and I'm not overly fond of anyone I've met here over my post secondary career. I'm not leaving anything or anyone here in particular that is making it difficult, yet I'm still feeling a knot in my stomach over all of this. It's not a knot of excitement and anticipation, but more of anxiety and dread.

I like having a routine and feeling like my daily life has some sort of stability, rhyme and reason. It's been pretty much the same over the last 4 years. Although I'm moving back to a place where I feel [overall] happier and more secure, my future is just a blank page and that's scary. I'm not going back to school in September. There's no plan or routine to follow. Work during the summer to save money for rent, go to school, work my ass off, move home, repeat. That's what I've been doing the past few years of my life and now that I'm graduating, I almost feel an ironic lack of direction. "Get a job in my field" is the extent of my future plans and that, as the one and only part of my plan, makes my future seem pretty bleak.

I knew the day where I'd have to move forward from this part of my life was coming, I just wasn't prepared for it to hit me this hard. I always kind of assume everything will fall into place as it should as long as I work hard in the moment. And because of that I don't generally plan too far into the future. Life is hard to plan for, the variables are infinite and anything can happen to either propel you, knock you down, push you sideways, longways and backways. Because of that, I generally like to fly by the seat of my pants and let life take me where it may.

Here's hoping it's somewhere I want to go

It's the difference between heros and villains. Heros don't play the victim...

I've been neglecting this blog like I anticipated I would. Not that many people read, but this is a good emotional release for me and I'm feeling like purge is necessary.

I mentioned in an earlier entry that I have an innate, naive sense of trust for people. No matter what betrayal or disappointment I get thrown at me, it doesn't go away. Recently things have come to a head with someone I've gotten stupidly involved with. I simply could not keep my frustration tucked away, below the surface any longer. I'm normally a pretty patient person, but many factors both related and non-related to this said involvement played catalyst in this explosive confrontation.

 I've bore witness to a good friend getting mistreated (emotionally and as a person) by the person she was involved with. I've listened to every bit of her sorrow and pain over it. It kills me to hear how much she's been dealt in such a short amount of time and to add insult to injury, she's lost someone in her life who was supposed to be there for her even in the toughest of times. She was sorely neglected by this person. It was hard for me to understand her feelings towards someone who treated her worse than I would treat someone I despised. It wasn't until I really started to think about my own involvement that I started to see I was allowing essentially the same (unsettlingly more subtle) behavior.

I can't deal with flip flopping. It drives me BONKERS. I'm a deeply emotional person so I do have quite the roller coaster of emotion to deal with in even the best of times. But to have my opinion of someone change so drastically from one day/week to another is so exhausting when I don't feel safe enough to express those feelings. I couldn't keep all these feelings and emotions inside anymore; I exploded. Anyone that knows a Taurus knows not to step on their toes. I can only be polite and sweet until you shit on my dignity. And shit on my dignity is what this person did. I had to put my foot down with this behavior that I so adamantly spoke against in my friend's catastrophe.

It all felt really cliche. Like everything I'd said had already been said before by so many other people and everything this fellow came back with was scripted and said many times before. Nothing I said was getting through, no matter what combination of words I used. No matter how I tried to explain it, he was still the victim. This poor fellow, who gets anyone he wants and anything he wants from them, is the victim. Not even just acting it, but shamelessly, flat out claiming it. It really offended me and whatever reserve I had with my words was gone. Even in a confrontation, I really watch what I say, I'm not a physically violent gal, but I will cut you to ribbons with my words. I know words hurt, especially in anger. But to be told essentially that I'M the bad guy in this altercation was absurd and insulting when matched with the concerns I was bringing up. I may have been a little over the top, and it wasn't after that fateful click of the send button that I was able to take a deep breath and realize that I was probably hurting someone for the sake of my own upset and my own ego. I know I've said much worse things to other people in angry times, and I know he's heard much worse than what I had to say so I'm hoping to return to better terms. Better terms will be coming with conditions, however.

I have never in my life felt like I had more value than now. I know exactly what I'm worth and I know what kind of treatment I deserve. My inclination to continue to try and trust this person and their intentions hasn't flattened out at all, despite the feeling of being used in ways no woman should ever be used. Maybe it's my feminine nature to want to heal the hurt this person has suffered in their lifetime, even at my own expense. I can't imagine my efforts not being in vain, but my spirit won't let me quit just yet.

Easter and the Party Duck

So I found this story I posted on a social media site back in 2009 and if I'm not mistaken, it's almost Easter so I decided to repost it here (with minor edits) because the story amuses me.

*****************************************************************

Easter. It's a holiday I think I can call "the failed gift-giving holiday". Purely because I never get the stuff I want and what I DO get is completely useless. One of the most common gift items for this holiday is definitely chocolate. Which, alright, chocolate fits any holiday and occasion. But aside from chocolate, what do you get? The most USELESS gifts ever given by people with any sort of mental capacity. And for some reason when I think of Easter gifts, I think chocolate and stationary. Wtf? Like, little psychedelic egg erasers and equally, if not more, psychedelic pencils and letterheads with furry baby animals. Just incase, when you're munching down chocolate in celebration of zombie Jesus, he ACTUALLY comes back this year. So we can chronicle zombie Jesus' world domination on a pastel pink letterhead sporting baby animals that are so cute that they're vomit inducing, with a pencil that has colours you didn't even know existed, that has a funny cartoon rabbit eraser topper on it. But I digress. The most useless gift I have ever received was on Easter (shocker!) from my folks. While I found it pretty much 100% useless, I wish I still had it because it was like right out of an acid trip. I called it "the party duck"

What was the party duck? A stationary item if I had to guess. The base was a mushroom with a brown stem and the cap was a classic red with white polka dots. Protruding from the top of the mushroom was a silver spring, and on the tip top of that spring was the head of a duck with a clothes pin inside the mouth that you could squeeze from behind the head to open the mouth..It was a pretty standard duck. I mean, he was yellow and had an orange beak. So what made him the party duck? The blue and white striped, ball tipped (supposed to represent a pompom, I suppose), cone shaped party hat, of course! It was one of those things where you feel forced to use it. So I stuck some useless papers in its useless beak and that was the extent of of the use I found for it. Over the years it became more and more useless and soon the party duck disappeared. But you know, it's funny. Last week I was in ortho class, doing what I normally do (nothing) and I just happened to glance across the lab. What's this I see? That familiar brown stemmed, red capped mushroom with white polka dots? That simulated pompom perched atop the blue and white striped, cone shaped party hat?!! Could it be? Could it REALLY be the party duck?!! It was indeed! A girl in my class was using it as a third arm to hold some wires together for soldering. Who'da thought! Someone else not only got the same, most useless gift in the world, but also found a purpose for it after all!

*****************************************************************

The Party Duck

The blue pill? Or the red pill? What if we took them both?

I had a lengthy conversation with someone about a week or so ago about science and philosophy and since that conversation, I've been thinking about a few theories I've researched in those respective fields and started connecting some dots. Whether they should be connected or not, I couldn't say, but I like to explore the possibilities and implications, anyway. Hold tight!

Our eyes detect matter through light, and it can be argued that all matter is, is light. Matter is not solid, but vibrating particles, photons, electrons and neutrons. That being said, no physical matter ever comes into direct contact with other physical matter due to a phenomena called particle repulsion. So in other words, anything we think we're touching (clothes, your laptop, your significant other, etc), is not actually so. Our brains' neurons fire and simply fool us into the sense of touch. Skipping over the theories of how matter acquires mass (it's somewhat irrelevant to where I'm going with this), and assuming that all matter is in fact made of light, it could be said that matter only exists because of light. To simplify what I'm saying is: atoms are made of particles that are not at all solid,: particles vibrate creating energy, energy emits light and light is matter. Now, as far as science can prove, the fastest travelling thing in our known universe is light; nothing we know of can move faster than the speed of light. If you look up to the sky on a dark, clear night, you'll see many glittering specks of light dancing on a dark blue canvas that we call stars. When you consider how far away these stars are from us here on earth and calculate how long the light from those stars took to reach us, it's almost like looking into the past. The light has taken so long to reach us, that if in this moment, we could instantly arrive at one of these stars, it more than likely wouldn't be there. It would be dead and gone in the beautiful chaos of a supernova. Perhaps the star dust would be accumulating to birth another. But it wouldn't be the same one we see almost nightly here on earth. To reiterate, everything in existence, exists in light and light is the fastest moving anything.

Now, what if we somehow found some way to move faster than the speed of light? Even on the most infinitesimally small fraction of any measurement of distance/length. What would there be? What would you see? I believe you'd be in the "creation zone". This is where it gets interesting, You'd be in a place where you could create and imagine anything into existence. You would be "god". More realistically though, where can you create and imagine anything into existence? In the same place where everything starts: in your brain, imagination and thoughts. So, could it not be argued that your thoughts move faster than the speed light? Assuming this is true, it could be said that one truly could manifest things into their own reality through thoughts. So, without being in the "creation zone," your thoughts are your only way of directing the dance of atoms and particles that have already been imagined into existence to get where you desire.

Diving a little deeper down the rabbit hole, what if reality, or waking life, is a place where we have to follow certain rules and conditions. Like being in the mind of someone else? And what if your dream life is the true plane for your own, self-fulfilling existence. A place where you can have and do anything you desire, experience things that cannot be explained or expressed in a waking life reality. A dream can feel as real as any waking moment. In fact, there's really no "real" way of discerning if you're dreaming or awake. So what are we? Are we gods or pawns, and if we're the former (no pun intended) why do we take regular, intermittent trips to this place we call reality? To a place where generally we never get what we want, where our free spirits are constantly oppressed, caged and beaten. What is so alluring about this plane of waking life existence that we keep coming back, no matter the hurt, oppression and sadness experienced? The one thing I'm absolutely sure about all of this, is I really don't know.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Heavy breathing, staring at the ceiling. What will happen next? I don't wanna know..

Generally, I'm not confident in the decisions I make. I can think about the problem and weigh the pros and cons until the cows come home, and I still won't know what's the right thing for me to do. I worry a lot about regret, and that's what I try to base my decisions off of; will I regret doing/saying/not doing/not saying this later? But the opposing feeling of regret for me is the feeling of stupid. It's the pendulum of decision making for me. Will I feel more regret if I don't, or will I feel more stupid if I do? Neither scenario is comforting for me. My gut is always to just go for it because then I can say, hey, at least I tried. But that festering feeling of mortifying stupidity when things don't turn out the way I want them to is, a lot of the time, more overwhelming than regret. The feeling of stupidity never goes away. Time creeps on, but whenever I look back to that moment I made a decision, I'm going to want to dig a hole in the ground and stick my head in it. And it doesn't stop at that moment. I'll think to another moment [normally completely unrelated to the first] where I felt stupid, and another, and then another until I'm thinking about every time, situation and person that made me feel small, shitty, and, well.. stupid! Every additional moment where I feel stupid is one more moment to add to the pile for when the flood gates of mortifying moments are opened. I can't be the only one who tortures themselves like this. I normally lean towards going for it, but this time...I just don't think I have the strength to face the almost certain moment of rejection that would follow the bold act of expression.

The pendulum will carry on swaying, forward and back, as I continue to contemplate the impending doom that seems to await me in my future.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Back to the drawing board with the words you've heard a million times before. In your head, I am dead..

I had a conversation today with a good friend of mine, we'll call her CM. We've both got relationship woes and have been bonding over the hurt we've accumulated from other people. After venting our little hearts out about how stupid men are, I started to think of my "dream man". My idealistic guy that I'd like to spend happily ever after with. Now, I watch a lot of movies so my dream man is actually a character from the movie Road Trip. Rubin Carver; he's tall, dark and handsome, he's funny, he's incredibly smart, the right level of nerdy, a stand-up guy and knows how to relax after a hectic day. I continued to tell CM how I thought I had found my Rubin Carver, and how utterly uncanny the comparison was. But it's just not working out the way I'd expected it to. CM went on to tell me she thought she found her dream man in her ex. I just can't wrap my brain around how these two relationships are not working. There is really no obvious reason why they shouldn't work. CM is the most gorgeous girl I know, she's passionate, she's kind and caring, she's supportive and makes good decisions, she's fun and funny. I have trouble touting my own horn, but I like to think I'm smarter than the average girl (except in regards to relationships), I'm funny (at least I make myself laugh), I'm really laid back, enjoy doing things with "the boys" more than "the girls", I'm supportive, adventurous, considerate and patient. And the chemistry between both parties is the type of stuff written about in cheesy teen romance novels. I think that both CM and I are probably a couple of the best ladies you could find out there. So why don't these dream men seem to see it like that? I understand idealism can be a dangerous thing since it's almost always nearly impossible to live up to someone's idealistic expectations. I understand no one is perfect. But idealism aside, why when the chemistry is there, do things not work out? Are CM and I blinded by "perfection"? Were these relationships much like the cake and just one big fat lie? I can't see another explanation to these scenarios that doesn't get chalked up to smooth-talking lies. That really disappoints me on both accounts because selfishness is something I can tolerate very little of. Especially when truly good people are the ones who suffer because of it.

Why there's so much to live up to; expectations are so high. I'm not crying. It's my contacts. There must be something in my eye

I had expected this weekend to be exciting and engaging. I had hoped that I would be having such a good time that I'd forget that I'm a boring and lonely student living in a big city. Things just didn't go my way, much like the rest of the goings on of my life. So instead of living the life I've yearned for the past 4 years living in the big apple of Canada, I'm continuing my self discovery and curiosity about people and the world in bed, with vodka and my faithful companion Mary-Jane. I suppose it COULD be worse.

I really enjoy exploring the different facets and boundaries of reality. It's different for everyone. Someone with schizophrenia can experience auditory and visual "hallucinations". But who's to say that what they're experiencing is any less real than what you or I experience through our five senses? Our neurons are still firing and our brains are still experiencing. The spectrum of light that our eyes and brain can process is so utterly minute that, in my humble opinion, it'd be ignorant to think what we can see is all that there is. Everything in the physical world that we see is nothing but vibrating particles and the particles behave differently when they're being observed/not observed. This fact makes me feel like we have a choice in our reality on a quantum scale that we don't even realize. This is also why I believe we are responsible for everything that happens to us, no matter how out of our control it seems. In some twisted way, I'm choosing to be that boring, lonely student. I'm choosing for things to disappoint me and let me down. It's all so commonplace now that it's what I'm used to and what I probably expect to happen behind my high hopes.

Now the question: how do I change my reality? How do I orchestrate the symphony of particles to take me down the path I dream to be walking?

I guess for now I'll just wing it.