One part of me wants to wreak havoc and chaos in the name of freedom and graduation from one of the hardest things I've done in my life (NO. That is NOT what she said..). But another part of me is dying inside over the goodbyes and farewells, which is ironic. I don't particularly like this city, and I'm not overly fond of anyone I've met here over my post secondary career. I'm not leaving anything or anyone here in particular that is making it difficult, yet I'm still feeling a knot in my stomach over all of this. It's not a knot of excitement and anticipation, but more of anxiety and dread.
I like having a routine and feeling like my daily life has some sort of stability, rhyme and reason. It's been pretty much the same over the last 4 years. Although I'm moving back to a place where I feel [overall] happier and more secure, my future is just a blank page and that's scary. I'm not going back to school in September. There's no plan or routine to follow. Work during the summer to save money for rent, go to school, work my ass off, move home, repeat. That's what I've been doing the past few years of my life and now that I'm graduating, I almost feel an ironic lack of direction. "Get a job in my field" is the extent of my future plans and that, as the one and only part of my plan, makes my future seem pretty bleak.
I knew the day where I'd have to move forward from this part of my life was coming, I just wasn't prepared for it to hit me this hard. I always kind of assume everything will fall into place as it should as long as I work hard in the moment. And because of that I don't generally plan too far into the future. Life is hard to plan for, the variables are infinite and anything can happen to either propel you, knock you down, push you sideways, longways and backways. Because of that, I generally like to fly by the seat of my pants and let life take me where it may.
Here's hoping it's somewhere I want to go